


Letters to the sun

by Eloquent_Vowel



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, sad wizards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25441618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eloquent_Vowel/pseuds/Eloquent_Vowel
Summary: Essek has had an emotional revelation, it is almost too much to handle and then a letter arrives to his tower throwing him into further turmoil. With his past looming over his head he makes up his mind, there is only one choice that makes sense. So he writes a letter.A series of Letters from Essek to Caleb.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 15
Kudos: 77





	1. Confessions from the tower

**Author's Note:**

> So I have a plan for this series, the first part will be from Caleb's POV and the second from Essek's, there will be some overlap between letters and I hope it will become clear which letters are sent and which are not! Thank you for reading this short little series.

> _"From that night I have not been able to dissuade you from my mind. Thoughts of concern for you have never left me and surprisingly I often wish that you were here, so that I know of your safety. I have not attempted to delve into hidden meanings of these thoughts, as the conclusion has become transparent in my eyes. I will entrust this letter to Frumpkin as I have learnt that nothing in our future’s is certain. It is better to not regret inaction as there is no fate that is concrete. Besides- our chosen path has led us into the arms of oblivion more than once._
> 
> _Be well and do not regret,_  
>  _Caleb."_

Caleb,

I agree, words are complicated vices and the notion of corrupting their meaning resonates with me. You are not wrong in saying that we are similar, but you give me too much credit. While elements of us are similar, there is one key distinction. You have furthered your goals while serving others whereas I have done everything I can to serve myself. I am, at my heart, a selfish creature and one that has never truly known friendship until recently. A creature who did not know the pleasures of deep emotional connection until it met the Nein and more specifically, you.

For someone preaching the clarity of your words, you have certainly thrown my thoughts into murky turmoil. I pride myself on being a man of logic and reasoning, a man who would do whatever possible to further his pursuit of knowledge. I am unfamiliar with the workings of emotion, the feelings of the heart, so I shall stick with what is familiar, the facts.

I cannot deny that I hold you in high regard, this much I know however I find myself unable to send my reply to you. Reason being, my position in the Dynasty is one I have worked hard for and protect with shaky guard, to take a human companion- one from the empire at that- would be a blow to my credibility and place you in the many eyes of the court, including those who would wish to hurt you. Secondly, I am of Elven blood and by my very nature shall outlive you, while the notion of growing with you is beautiful the idea of you fading away is an ugly truth. There is also the small matter of the sun, I am unable to live comfortably in the sunlight and knowing you, you would live willingly in the darkness for me. I cannot allow you, in good conscience, to live without light in an unfamiliar place with me. Lastly, I am frightened. I would never say this to you, but I am scared of the unknown territory I now face. Terrified of losing you and then losing myself, petrified that I would drag you down into the political serpentine I weave, that if my past were ever to catch up to me that you could be forfeit. There are so many variables that I cannot account for and so, although this pains me, I shall not reply to your letter as I swore to never lie to you again.

I write this to rest my thoughts, to alleviate some of the guilt that I feel but it is better you think of me as a selfish creature and forget me, compared to being tied to someone who would just bring you down. As for forgiveness, I am not sure I am capable of understanding forgiving myself as I have only just recently begun to regret what my self-serving actions caused. The worrying thing is that I never felt a shred of regret until you all looked at me with such betrayal, with such hurt. When you, Caleb, walked towards me and whispered words of comfort, my mind recalls this moment frequently and every time I feel regret blossom in my chest, it seemed as if my actions fell around me and I was standing on a podium surrounded by the destruction I caused, for the first time I felt true guilt. Forgiveness is hard to do as I have only just begun to feel guilt and time has yet to let me take control over my conscience.

For now I shall continue on as always, try to forget every action that I regret and not allow myself to regret another,

Essek.


	2. Reflections on Candlelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek cannot get Caleb out of his head. Trying to get his head in order Essek writes a letter never meant to be sent, reflecting on his affections.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is slightly longer than the others, some letters will be getting quite long and I am going to be taking some creative licence with these sad wizards' backstories. Thank you for reading!

Caleb,

I believe that my affections towards you became apparent to me after the dinner we shared at your home. It is not as if I was ignorant to my attraction towards your intellect but I believed that my attraction was that of a brief affection which would come to pass in time. But then there were the small things that you noticed, small things which you cared to help me with. It is worrying how easily you were able to read my discomfort at the situation I put myself in, perhaps you could relate to my struggle. When Frumpkin landed on my lap, whether you were trying to win my favour or not, you knew the comfort which a warm presence brings. Then you turned the conversation into the political, that you noticed I was uncomfortable talking about myself and changed the conversation to what is known, in that moment I felt an immense gratitude towards you that deepened my affection further. It occurred to me, after the fact, that you may have only been fishing for information but I appreciated the change in topic nonetheless.

The wine had gone to my head and so I spoke more freely than I would have normally, I spoke directly to you. Looking back on my own actions I do not know if I should interpret them as misshapen flirting or targeted manipulation- the line between the two became quite blurred by this point. We shared an understanding that night. The pursuit of knowledge is one of the most rewarding parts of life and I believe that you would agree with me on this. I remember your eyes in the candle light. They shined brightly, excitedly, they drew me into the spark of intrigue and convinced me that you were equal to my intellect and shared a passion that we could pursue together. Oh, the ideas of you in my library, nose in a book, eyes holding that same spark. Our only company, the wrinkle of turning pages and the scratches of pen on parchment. My library now feels empty.

Friends were unfamiliar to me and I confess that my immediate motivation for returning for dinner was an unpleasant one. My first thought was of extracting any information I could from you, all of you, to use against you should the time arise for it. In hindsight, that was only an excuse for me to allow myself to experience something I previously considered a weakness. But you are all so painfully endearing, your charms lie in the bumbling chaos that the Nein embody effortlessly and the intelligence which that chaos hides. I came to the realisation that I actually liked your misfit group of mercenaries and that partiality grew throughout the evening as I got to know you more. I grew to admire the freedom of thought you all contain. It may be Jester’s influence that has made you all this free but it is refreshing and that night was one of the most memorable I have, the other being of creating that spell with Veth and you. 

It is ridiculous that I am incapable of thinking of Jester without feeling my cheeks tense with an unwilling smile. I shall tell you a secret; her jovial, untimely messages have brought small joy into my days and even when she is quiet I can spend my day almost looking forward to her interruptions. It pains me to admit that I actually like her enthusiasm, so contradictory to my own, that has the unavoidable side effect of rubbing off on you. I confess to completely dissociating while she talks for most of the time, specifically when she talks of the Traveler. But I respect her devotion although I do not understand her faith. While her logic may be slightly flawed, she certainly has an unique way of looking at the world.

At the end of that night, when it was almost just the two of us. I distinctly remember thinking, the moment you asked to follow me to my home, that I would express my gratitude towards you and I cannot deny the brief thoughts I had of you on my doorstep under lamplight. There is little I know of romance that I have not read in books and so I assume you can imagine where that small trail of thought led. But then Beau and her neverending brashness halted me, I am glad she did. 

This was the moment which cemented the panic in my head, the revelation about the worrying depth of my affections. I wanted to impress you with my home, no other thoughts entered my mind other than the desire to prove my worth to you. It is a childish notion that I am not proud of. I am a man of over a century and yet there I was standing by my home staring at you to find some hint of curiosity in your eyes. The thrill that went through me when you asked for my services, my help and the connection that I felt towards you filled me with the overwhelming urge to please you and to sell my strengths to you.

I suppose that that is why I was so liberal with my use of magic that morning. It seemed a waste to use magic to shift furniture but seeing the twitch of impressed surprise on your brow made any energy I expended worth it. I found myself asking you for help with my eyes before I could stop my actions and so, I had to fight the smile from my face when you saved me from Beau and her rather intense personality. Then we were in my laboratory and the anticipation that filled my bones was something that I had not felt in a long time. The excitement of designing a new spell, the thrill that came with completing a previously impossible equation fades with time. I do not mean to sound boastful when I say, that there have been few problems that have really challenged me mentally in recent decades. This excitement paired with the pride I felt when you complimented the beauty of my laboratory almost pierced through the careful facade I have composed during my time as the Shadowhand.

The image of you, head slightly tilted back, your hair reflecting the candle light and that same glint of excitement in your eyes as the candles lit up the room- this image I can still picture so vividly and quite often I will close my eyes and there you will be. Sometimes surrounded by notebooks and parchment, you talk animatedly and although it is not clear what you are saying, the enthusiasm of your gestures warm my heart and occasionally bring a smile to my face. We worked together so seamlessly, my motivations for completing the spell were twofold. I wished to solve this riddle myself, I saw a challenge in your works and my mind focused on the possibility of success. I also wished to please you, to make you happy. It was as simple as that, any additional benefit was trivial in comparison. By far the best reward was the brief physical affection I received from you, that made my blood flow faster and heart beat into my ears. Brief but warm, a warmth that passed through my body as fire. 

My admiration for your intellect, gratitude to your meticulous nature and affection for your passion culminated in my liking towards you. But until I could tell you the whole truth of who I was, what I did, I did not want to pursue my interest. But we both know where those truths fell and now I find myself trapped in the unknown state of vulnerability that I do not know to navigate. So I am fleeing, fleeing from you and your curious eyes.

I hope someday you can forgive me, and then forget me.

Essek.


	3. Reflections and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having had time to reflect on his past choices Essek cannot settle his mind, so he does the one thing that worked for him before he writes them all down on paper. A letter never meant to be sent, but just might be received.

Caleb,

I learnt very early on in my life that people compliment you on what they perceive as different and those compliments masquerade as thinly veiled insults. Many complimented me on my intelligence and arcane ability while simultaneously plotting ways to feeble my mind and take my one blessing from me. The reason I think of this now is because I have been doing a lot of reflection on my past self. There has been little reason for me to look back on the boy I was, but since your first letter I have been inspired to scrutinise my past decisions and since it is hard to keep a steady stream of conscience when looking back on painful memories I shall write.

I was born into Den Thelyss, this you already know, and from a young age I was told that I was a prodigy. I debate whether I truly was a prodigy or that my mother’s influence over me pushed me past any limits I might have had. When I say that the Nein were my first true friends I did not exaggerate. There was little time for anything else other than study, networking and the ever present need to please my mother. My mother never allowed me out of her sight and I measured my worth through her eyes, my worth was my dunamantic ability and I was going to bring prosperity to my Den. 

Den Thelyss has always been a present and accomplished Den but had never held much sway in the Kryn Dynasty’s inner sanctum and a seat within the Queen’s inner circle had been their goal for many lifetimes. When the Skysybil took notice of my talents it felt as if all that I had sacrificed during my childhood was worth it. Every distant jeer, every jealous gaze and every disappointed look in my mother's eyes seemed trivial to the pride I felt. With one foot into the Lucid Bastion the weight of my entire Den’s expectations fell on my shoulders, they all acted as if I was the sole child of Den Thelyss. There was no ball that they went to where my name was not on their lips. They spoke my name with pride, those who had once doubted my power revered me, feared me and I felt- for the first time- that my worth was my own, earned on my own merit and I became determined to remove their expectations from my shoulders by breaking every last one of them.

I became reclusive from my Den, began my research into the Beacons searching for ways to surpass my mother’s will and forge my own seat in the Queen’s court. I began to look not only into ways of magic, but of strategy and planning. It is during this time where two things happened, I learned of the Cerberus Assembly and my youngest brother Verin was born. 

I hate that I must admit to working with the Assembly after knowing what happened to you but there is no point denying the truth. I worked with the Assembly to further my knowledge, to understand more of the beacon and to secure my place in the Bastion. I told everyone what they wanted to hear while also including evidence of my own expertise and eventually this led to my appointment as Shadowhand.

I thought that with this new title my family would recognise me and celebrate me but during my time working I had lost contact with my family. I had receded into my studies and in trying to defy their expectations I had conformed to every single one. They still boasted about me at parties, used my name to socially climb above the rest but there was very little personal connection between myself and my family. Except for my mother. When news of my appointment reached her she appeared on my doorstep, she no longer had that disappointed look in her eyes when she spoke.

“You have done well son, but what now? This cannot be the height of your potential.”

I have never forgotten those words. They have been ever present in the back of my mind as I searched for more power, more security and strived to know the truth behind the beacons they worship. Everything I would do, everything I have done was to raise me and my Den up in the hierarchy of the Dynasty and if that took dismantling it’s religion, I would do so. Eventually my own ambitions surpassed even that of my Den’s and I found that everyone around me seemed pathetically weak-minded and so came the last string that I cut with my family. While I had conformed to my family's wishes I found ambition of my own. All I wished was to learn, achieve knowledge and set myself entirely selfish goals, this I believe you might understand- slightly.

I mentioned my youngest brother, Verin. I feel as if he is important to this narrative as he has shaped my life in ways he could not imagine. While my mother imposed her ambitions upon me, my father shaped Verin into the man he is today. Verin is no prodigy, he holds no real power and no real ambition, he only holds a sword and conceited words of victory. And yet he has a place in the Bastion, his seat across from mine taunts me. The very seat which I sacrificed everything for, I gave up my childhood, my family and any of my own personal needs to get and he, with his smiles and swords and speeches had it handed to him. You remember when I told you the worst thing I had ever done was send my father to battle unprepared, that was not the entire story. When news of Verin’s potential appointment reached my desk, I panicked and acted rashly. I sent Verin into Bazzoxan under the guise of a test to see if he was worthy of the title of Taskhand. Part of me did not believe that he would fall for such a simple trap, but he did. Unfortunately, my father came to my study that afternoon asking after Verin and I got cocky. The rest you can probably deduce. What is explicitly true is that upon his return, I had no choice but to help appoint Verin as Taskhand to dissuade anyone from believing that I would turn against my own Den. Since then it has been Verin’s name on my Den’s lips, they speak of his bravery and heroism at the loss of his father and commend him on his talent as a swordsman. I have tried in vain to not allow this fact to motivate me but in the deepest part of my subconscious I know that I wish to overthrow my brother who took something I had worked for with ease. He has the audacity to claim that he did not even want the title, that he only wanted to make his father proud. He is an un-ambitious fool with very little intelligence and whose only good merit is his heart.

During my time reflecting on myself, I have come to realise that I am jealous of Verin. It wounds my pride to admit to, we may never see eye to eye but perhaps I shall apologise to him one day. When I have re-measured my worth and perhaps finally let go of my mother’s words. I believe that this task would be a lot simpler if I had someone by my side to converse with, to provide a differing perspective. It would have to be someone of equal intellect to me, someone who would bother to understand me and listen. In my mind that person is you. We have bounced ideas off one another before so well perhaps we may do so again?

This is a vain hope that shall never come into fruition, I do not have the confidence to send this letter,

Essek.


	4. The Crow Flies to the South

For once Essek came home not wanting to work anymore. He had spent his entire day meeting with small groups of prison guards about conditions in the Dungeon of Penance and his mind felt numb from every menial detail he was forced to pay attention to. What was even worse was that he had to work alongside Verin, who was more than happy to question every single issue any soldier had. It was all Essek could do to not slouch and roll his eyes when the fifteenth guard complained of nausea when moving, then having to repeat the same answer again and again about the slight drawbacks to manipulating the very fabric of time.

It was the greatest relief to unclasp the heavy mantle from his shoulders and fall onto the couch by the fireplace, conveniently an already open bottle of dark wine was on the end table and Essek gratefully helped himself- straight from the bottle. He flicked his wrist to light the fire and found himself drawn into the warm, orange, crackling flames. His insides warmed by the liquor and skin warmed by the flames led to him trancing off slightly, allowing his mind to wander. He thought of company, imagining a figure sitting on the couch when he entered his home. The figure, illuminated by firelight, would be reading but their attention would be drawn to Essek once he entered. They would smile, approach and remove the mantle from his shoulders, discarding it to the floor. They would walk together, and lie together sharing wine and fine literature. Reddish hair would fall over Essek’s shoulders as arms would wrap around his waist.

A pecking at his window broke him from this trance, he flinched at the sound, hurriedly unwrapping his arms from around himself. Wine bottle still in hand, he headed to the window to see a familiar orange bird. Essek swiftly unlatched the window, only watching as the bird flew in, dropped a small piece of paper on the table and flew deftly out.

Essek stared at the paper, his name was written on the corner in neat and measured handwriting. Familiar. Painfully familiar. His heartbeat picked up in his ears but curiosity outweighed any fear that filled him. Heavy steps took him to the table, he gulped from the bottle and opened the letter without hesitation.

> _Essek,_
> 
> _I apologise for my friend’s actions. When Jester handed me a letter with your handwriting on the cover I thought that it was your reply for my very first letter, but the contents of it was deeply personal to you and I feel guilty for having read it. I confronted Jester, she confessed to seeing a letter I had written to you and sent it without my permission. I suppose I was tempting fate by putting it in an envelope but I have always been in two minds about sending anything to you. I know which letter it is and so I know what you must think of me now that you know my deepest thoughts, as I now know yours._
> 
> _I am sorry, Essek, for this and I wish that I could remain angry at Jester but you know what she is like. This note is rushed, I am afraid that if I do not take action now I will lose confidence in myself. The last paragraph of your letter meant something to me and if you wish we may discuss it, or perhaps I shall return your letter to you but you shall have to tell me if that is the case._
> 
> _Caleb._

Essek swore out loud, immediately searching his desk. Throwing crumpled pieces of paper to the side, looking desperately for the letter he had written last night. When he couldn’t find it he felt dread grip his stomach. His fingers pulled at his hair, his mind working overtime to find a way to fix this.

It was in the midst of this panic when Essek noticed another letter, a thicker one, that had fallen on the floor during his searching. Once more he sat heavily on the couch, drinking deeply and opened the folded sheets of paper. As he read the letter he sank deeper and deeper into the couch, he drank more and, blaming it on the wine, felt hot tears drip down his cheeks. He didn't know why he was crying, but by the last paragraph he had to stop- breathe and consider.

> _It is always surprising how effective words are at sorting out my thoughts. The act of writing with ink on parchment seems to calm any storm that begins to brew in my mind. I cannot say with complete confidence that tomorrow will be as defined as today and that my certainty of my feelings towards you will remain consistent in their strength. But I know that you will remain deep rooted somewhere in my psyche. I hope that at least for tonight I will be able to rest with a silent mind and finally sleep._
> 
> _I hope you rest well,_   
>  _Caleb._

Emotional pain was new and Essek had never been so hurt. Caleb’s words were not malicious but the idea of losing him felt like the aching pain of intense guilt. He now knew that both he and Caleb had bared their souls to the other, without ever meaning for the other to see. He realised how different they were, although they both shared the weighted expectations of others- only Caleb was able to fully break from them. Essek was shamed, his shoulders fell with disappointment in himself. He was a fool if he thought he could measure himself against Caleb, the difference between them was that of a crow and an owl. Even though he wanted nothing more than to give in to temptation, to drag Caleb down with him, he could not bring himself to force his affections onto him. Guilt, he did not know why he felt such intense guilt.

Being unable to explain his own thought was foreign territory and Essek was frightened, it was common sense that returned him to his usual path. He thought it best to end anything before it could be formed, he didn’t want to but felt as if he had to. He composed a message in his head before finally casting Sending.

_“Caleb, where are you? Describe your location, names, key features, where is the sun? I just received your letter, we should talk.”_


	5. The Promise of a Wish

> _I swear to you that when everything has finished here I will come back to you, even if it is only briefly, I just want to feel you again. I usually only speak this way when I am drunk, one could say that you make me drunk with affection. I will send this letter to you as soon as possible, I understand if you cannot write back to me but I worry that you will have forgotten of my existence before we see each other again. I have let my thoughts run away with me again- forgive me._
> 
> _Sincerely,_  
>  _Caleb_

Dear Caleb,

I have meant to write to you for the longest time now. Somehow every time I sat down to write the words missed their mark and I felt as if every sentence I wrote was not enough to express myself fully. I can assure you that I could never forget about your existence, I believe it quite impossible as you are on my mind whenever it is given a chance to wander. My lack of letter came from a place of insecurity on my part but your letter has given me reason to write back and a confidence in how to do so.

To answer your questions, work has been intense. With the conflict with the empire somewhat resolved our focus has shifted to more domestic ventures. Writing some of them down will probably get me fired but if I do not vent to someone I might just end up shouting at the next person who asks for sponsorship to open yet another magical goods store. It is rare that we open our walls to the people but the Bright Queen has decided, in her infinite wisdom, that since our main concern is no longer the empire that we must turn our attention instead to the common folk. Honestly, the common folk are so dull! All they want is money and they care little for knowledge or exploration. They have the arrogance to stand before their authority and demand that we pay them to drink away their lives. I may sound bitter but there was a time I was interested in humanitarian work and a high percentage of the time those we helped fell right back into their old ways. I gave up eventually. We even had a human from Tal’Dorei ask to open a branch of his store here, all the way in Xhorhas, if you can believe that. He apparently had some famous connections back in Tal’Dorei- not that they would do him any good here… I am fortunate that my job requires me to also keep tabs on the empire, we are not naive enough to believe that decades of conflict have been resolved with one exchange.

I apologise for disappointing you, I have not talked to Verin. Everytime an opportunity rises I lose my conviction. It is an idiotic feeling, this guilt that stops me from even muttering in his direction. How do you deal with this? It feels as if there are spiders in my chest that want to crawl out whenever I even attempt to talk with him. Am I a coward? Probably. Perhaps if you were there with me I would have the courage to face him, wishful thinking.

I understand. I understand your need to close the wounds that have been haunting you for so long. Although I wish I too could see you stand against your oppressors. What a sight it would be! I can see you surrounded by flames, that catch in your eyes and reflect off your hair. I see you rising above those who have plagued you and making them feel everything you have felt since they ripped a part of you away. I wish I could hold them down while you blazed down on them with finality. I would stand by your side, the flames licking at our feet, we stand proudly in a portrait of destruction. My mind runs wild with images of you like this, I apologise. If I can I will stand by you through everything but I am comforted by the fact that your family will stand with you, that you will never be alone. Please keep me updated on any progress you have made, I must ask you also to stay safe. A sentiment which I believe I am not alone in asking. What is the empire like as a place, I am afraid all I have seen of it has been the worst parts. Do you have a favourite place? Is there a town that we would see first if I came to you? I am afraid that I do not know your favourite food and I am curious about the diet of humans, something tells me that spider legs is not considered a usual delicacy.

When you return to Xhorhas I look forward to showing you what I enjoy to do. There is a quaint bookshop which I frequent, tucked away in the Gallimaufry. I usually go there under guise so no one will recognise me, which has happened more times than I would like. We could go to that bookshop and return home to the Xhorhaus to drink in front of an open fire, reading. I am afraid I never really leave my house unless I have to. Which, now that I have written it, is a rather sad statement. I guess I never have had a reason to leave before. I look forward to exploring my hometown with you, we can get lost together. These are all rather Romantic concepts, Caleb, it seems you have more of an imagination than I gave you credit for. It would bring me great joy to fulfil your every desire with you. I look forward to your next letter.

Yours,  
Essek.


End file.
